It turns out I can't tow the car home because it is not roadworthy (MOT expired) – I risk an automatic 3 points. We don't have a drive – only street parking – so even if I paid to get it transported home, I would still be committing an offence and worse, risking that the car is seized.
I don't want to be a criminal and I can't afford to get anything fixed right now, so here we are: