One more quick update for now, because I feel like an idiot and I want those who said this before to get the validation they deserve; having left the battery for a few hours whilst I worked, I just went back to it and threw the tester on real quick to see if anything had changed. Immediately it was giving me a reading of 9.8V, 9.7V, 9.6V and going lower and lower, presumably from the stress of the tester being connected.

I put it back on the charger which as had done so far, immediately said it was full and when I put the tester back on it was at 10.1V, 10.0V, 9.9V and so on. So something is happening there that doesn't make sense, either the battery can't hold a full charge or the charger is crap like others have eluded to.

More importantly for this update though, and the reason I feel like a moron. So many mentioned checking the boot wiring loom, and I had looked - AT THE WRONG ONE. I just opened up the actual one on the hinge that you all so kindly pushed me to and it like a horror movie in there, see attached image. Of the seven wires I can count, 4 are cleanly disconnected with the others hanging on for dear life. I'm surprised it took this long for issues to arise. As soon as I finish work I'm gonna head to B&Q and grab a bunch of smaller gauge wire, as I only have big mains power style stuff, and go to work repairing them all and extended them too as others have suggested to ease the pressure on them when opening and closing the boot lid.

 

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