Top Tips

Readers of the learned journal Viz will be familiar with their Top Tips section, which parodies similar articles in dentist waiting room reading material such as Take a Break.

Motoring related Top Tips:

When washing your car and minding your own business, stop your annoying neighbour, out walking his stupid ugly dog saying:

" hey, you can do mine next!"

........ by simply deeply raking a screwdriver down the side of your car and then throwing a brick though the windscreen. Then say " it's the finishing touches that I find important.....where are you parked? I'll see if my hose will reach....."

MOTORISTS. Always have a hot pie in your hands in heavy traffic. Each time the traffic grinds to a halt, just reach for the pie. The instant you place it to your lips the traffic begins to move. This works especially well with the molten lava apple pies from McDonald's.

My favourite Viz top tip of all time was: don't wasting money on expensive binoculars, simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
.. Best letter in Viz:
Last night I prayed to god to fix the gearbox on my Austin allegro 1100, if anything, he's made it worse, it won't even go in 1st now.
I miss Viz.

MOTORISTS.

Pressing your fog lights switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Corsa drivers.

Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A Viz advert from about 1989

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

That's the stuff, chaps! Excellent. :woohoo:

Avoid speeding fines and points by informing the officer he'd be better served by catching real criminals.- Toby Young

Never seen Viz but
If a officer asks why you are driving while so drunk reply " I was too pixxed to walk !! "

Some good ones there BUT not sure the screwdrive down the side off the car just to stop your neigbhour asking you to do his next :pop: :wave:

Good mod tip....

If you can't repair your brakes, just make your horn louder.

:coat: