The joke thread.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vaginal lips are much to
large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret because she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want
anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged,
she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!”
“Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you
went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the
operation, and she had the operation done herself.”
“Who is the third rose from?” she asked.
“Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you
for his new ears!”

Sundance

I can just picture those ears..:coat:

After an evening of drinking, a guy and his Chinese girlfriend ended up in his bedroom.

‘What do you want to do?’ she asked. ‘I’m up for anything.’

‘Well, in that case,’ he whispered, ‘what I’d really like is a 69.’

‘Forget it,’ she said. ‘There’s no way I’m cooking chicken chow mein at this time of night!’

One Monday morning Pat the postman was walking down the street on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approached one of the houses he noticed that both cars were still in the drive. Unusual thought Pat
Then John, the home owner, came out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow John, looks like you had one hell of a party last night,' Pat said.

John, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt
like moving since Sunday morning .We had about a dozen couples from around the
neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around
midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

Pat thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet
with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to
guess who it is..'

Pat laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' John said, 'Your name came up 7 times.'

I've just heard that Viagra now make eye drops.....

They make you look really hard.....
:coat:

Little Johnny puts his hand up and asks if he can 'go for a pi$$'. The shocked teacher says he must ask if can go urinate. When he returns she asks him to make a sentence with the word urinate in.

He replies "urinate Miss, but if your tits were bigger you'd be a nine...."

Later in the week, teacher plays the alphabet game.... Give me a word beginning with A. All put their hands up including Little Johhny. Considering the sweary options, she picks Abigail, who says apple and describes an apple. The game continues, she considers B for swear options and again doesn't pick Johhny. Same with C.
When D comes around she can't thing of anything rude beginning with D so she gives Johnny a go.

'Dwarf, Miss.'
She is relieved and pleased.
'Now tell us what a dwarf is Johnny'
Holding his hand about four feet from the floor he replies...

'It's a little c**t about this big.....'
:coat:

And finalleee.. A late seasonal joke:

Everyone has heard about Rudolf the red nosed reindeer, leading Santas sleigh through the fog. Not so many have heard of his cousin, Brian the brown nosed reindeer. Positioned just behind Rudolf in the team.

A bit faster than Rudolf but much slower on the brakes.
:coat: :coat:

Last one honest......

A husband and wife are lying in bed on their first wedding anniversary. She says 'you know I was a virgin when we married, but you've been around a bit. How many women have you slept with?'

He replies ten. She asks for names. He says it's not important. She persists, he gives in.
'Ok... Jean, Mary, Stephanie, Amy, Linda, you, Jean again, Miranda........