The joke thread.

If a had to describe myself in one word it would be "not very good at taking directions"

:broon:

I was convinced that I suffered from indecision.......... but now I'm not so sure.

Q...Have you heard about the new super- sensitive condoms?
A....They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

Q....Whats worse than being raped by jack the ripper?
A.....Getting fingerd by captain hook. :coat:

What time is the worst time to see a dentist??


Two Thirty.

Boom boom

:beer: :beer: Steve

Bill is sat in his doctors waiting room, when betty walks in. Hello Bill she says what are you in for ? He looks at her and says it's my cock to which she moves along quickly. Two more people he knows walks in and same question asked and same reply. A nurse then comes into the room and says Bill stop saying that word, Bill replys well what am I to tell people that is wrong with me. The nurse says tell them its you elbow, oh alright then he says. Two minutes later Joyce walks in, hello Bill she says what are you here for, it's my elbow , oh she says what's wrong with it? Bill replays I can't piss out of it.


:beer: :beer: Steve

A man went to visit the doctor."Doc my arm hurts bad.Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.
The doctor rolls up the mans sleave and suddenly hears the arm talk."Hello,Doctor,"says the arm."could you lend me a tenner please? im desperate!"
"aha says the doctor . " i see the problem.Your arm is broke!"

I was taking the bus home from the shops and the gorgeous woman next to me started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said; "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby still refused to eat, so once again she said; "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." After another couple of minutes of attempts I finally blurted out; "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

Rather long but quite topical especially if you have teenagers at home:

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine.
I have been a very good boy this year. Accordingly, I would like a PlayStation 4 with Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare and an iPhone 7 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine, and I thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting, and I really don’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, however, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *
Mr. Claus,
As I have fulfilled the "Naughty vs Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation, but I will if you force my hand. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight, coming from a severely overweight man who only goes out once a year, is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request, and in no way is it a guarantee of services or products to be provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident, and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this, but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass. I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people, and if I described them right now you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry.
Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That's what I thought, you little bastard.
Merry Christmas,
Santa

:dry: A very sad day today. After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine and fellow Welsh lad has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all those years training, endless hours studying, numerous exams and loads of money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent Vet.

Leigh Ping wrote: :dry: A very sad day today. After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine and fellow Welsh lad has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all those years training, endless hours studying, numerous exams and loads of money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent Vet.

Don't tell me - it was a sheep!

Bought my mrs a wooden leg for christmas......
I thought it would make a excellent stocking filler...